My Eyes Might Leak

It’s late on Monday night, and I should be in bed…but my mind is racing with all of the things I want to write, share, and think. I have now sent emails, looked at the calendar, planned, and thought.  My house, though not entirely a disaster, is a living metaphor for my mind with boxes partially packed, with stacks of things waiting to be in boxes, and things misplaced but then found again.

Thirty days from today, I will be counting down to my last three nights before the world changes forever. I know…I’m dramatic.  But dramatic is how this feels.  We are moving. Life is changing. It is dramatic. It is traumatic.

We are leaving what we have known for the past (almost) twelve years and going to something new, something different, something exciting. And in doing so we are leaving something wonderful, something known, something exciting. Pastors’ families are supposed to be used to this uprooting that we are experiencing, but we have had roots for the past twelve years in a place that has fostered growth in the adults as well as the children.  While the going has a calling, has a purpose, and has lots of promise, the leaving is very hard.

When my children graduated from high school last month, I endured the “caught between two worlds” feeling of someone so excited for her kids and for all of their accomplishments as well as what the future holds for them while also being so sad that their childhood has ended.

I have finally entered that feeling in full with our move.

I look forward to the new while being heartbroken about the leaving behind of a great place with great people.

Last night, our family attended the annual event at the home of a lovely church couple who hosts the entire church body to their lakeside home to watch the Whiz Bang Days fireworks.  Our family loves this event and will do anything to attend.  Several years ago, we left Colorado at 5:30 a.m. in order to return to Minnesota in time for the event.  It is a casual fellowship event that allows for easy conversation with many. This faith community with whom we have ministered has ministered to us, and this event is just one of many that we will miss.

This evening, our family attended an annual gathering of pastors and families. The hosts are non-pastors who throw the party to say thank you for what we do as pastors and families, but the casual gathering allows us to fellowship with other ministry families and touch base with each other.  This community of those with whom we have much in common is another that we will miss.

The list could go on forever of what I will miss – community theatre, our dear camp in Iowa, my job, and so many other things that I dare not try to mention at the risk of forgetting something.

The huz and I recently discussed what we will no longer miss about Minneapolis. The top of my list was confirmed again today as I left my office at 4:30 p.m. in time to join the many others who leave their office at that time of day to creep home on 35W.  Traffic is something that I will not miss.

Soon we will focus on those things that we think will be awesome about the move, but for now I need to grieve a little.

Yesterday morning during the church service, my eyes leaked a little as my man mentioned how much hospitality the people in our church have shown us over the years.  They leaked even more when I realized that our worship pastor and one of our drummers would not be in church for the next two (our last two) Sunday.  They leaked off and on throughout the day and evening, and they might be leaking a little bit as I write this post.  I’m sure that they will leak a little here and there…and maybe a lot…over the next few weeks…months…

I have decided that I will not cry over this change in our lives, but have you ever tried to stop a leaking faucet? It’s not easy, is it? And sometimes, the leak just needs to work itself out.  That is how I plan to view my eyes leaking – the leak will just work itself out.

So – if you see my eyes leaking in the next month or so…whether in Minneapolis, Bismarck, or Texas…just remember that eventually the leak will stop. More than that, though, please know that I am sad and happy and overwhelmed and thankful and all of the range of emotions that one should feel when she is moving to a new place while moving her children to college and starting a new job and forming new relationships…and leaving behinds lots that she loves…

I’m going to fine, and you are going to be fine. We are all going to be fine.

…but our eyes might leak a little while we make our way there.