I am thrilled to have Jeannine Sawall sharing on the blog today. Our paths crossed at a Moms/Sons Weekend at Village Creek Bible Camp a few years ago. We have a lot in common and enjoy being Facebook friends. Yesterday Jeannine posted this essay on Facebook, and I asked if I could share it as a post on my blog. I am so grateful that she agreed. Thanks, Jeannine!
Today marks the fifth anniversary of my Mom’s going home.
It seems impossible to believe that much time has passed since she was suddenly and unexpectedly plucked from our lives. It seems impossible that in that time, I have had two sons get their licenses, start and graduate from high school and the older one of them start and finish his first year of college. My younger two sons have finished elementary school and moved onto middle school. My brother started and graduated from college and started his career as a nurse. My step-dad has re-married and relocated twice already! And what does all that have to do with my mom’s passing? It seemed impossible at the time life could move on, but it has.
In those first few days/weeks after my mom died, it seemed impossible in some moments for me to breathe, let alone get up, shower, go to work and carry on with life. They were hard, grief filled days of sorrow and missing; heavy days where “gravity becomes so physical you wonder if the horizon changed directions” and you just never noticed. How could we ever move on? But since the sun continues to rise and set despite the missing; hours turned into days, days into weeks and weeks into years and we are at another anniversary.
And it’s a strange thing, the anniversary of losing someone…do you celebrate? Do you grieve openly without feeling like you’re looking for pity or that you should have “moved on already?” Does it make others feel uncomfortable and if they do, is that their problem or mine? Even the theraputic effect sharing my feelings with the written word offers…there’s a part of me that wonders if after 5 years, I should remember alone? Grief becomes a solitary journey the more time passes. But I can say, even 5 years later, I sometimes feel like I want/need the affirmation that it’s still okay to cry because I miss my mom; especially on days like today.
So while it seems impossible we could ever move on after the loss of my mom, we have and we are. The Lord continues to offer His love and comfort each and every day. I am able to look up and see my God who sees me; who has grieved with me and who comforts me. I have had friends who have walked along side and while the journey has grown more solitary, they are always there on days I need them. God has raised up women in my life who stand in the gap for my mom. I love them and am so grateful for their presence. My brother and I continue to share a close relationship and we remember together. And on those tear filled days, when the missing still takes my breath away, while it seems impossible, I am able to look forward with hope to an incredible reunion and I know without a doubt my mom is more alive today than she was on this morning 5 years ago. It seems impossible, but I am really and truly jealous of her.
5 years….it seems impossible. Love and miss you Mom! Save a place for me!!
“But Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”~Matthew 19:26
About the author: Jeannine is a wife and busy mother of four boys. She works in property management, writes for FreshStart Devotions, and actively walks besides those experiencing grief. Jeannine lost her mom 5 years ago in a car accident and shares openly and honestly about her journey through grief and “the missing.”