Adjust and Move On

When we moved from Minneapolis, MN, to Bismarck, ND, last year, we found a home super close to a grocery store. This means that I make several visits to the store throughout the week to buy only what I need. Because I work from home, I often run to the store on a quick break in the middle of the day. The employees there recognize me, and we greet each other and talk as “almost” friends.

Instead of a bar (hint: Cheers…cue music), I have a grocery store.

The other day, I discovered that I am not the only person for whom this is true. In fact, my guess is that there are several people like me.

The woman for whom I discovered this is true entered the store at the same time as I. She pushed a cart into the store from the parking lot and then switched to a scooter-cart once inside. We passed each other in the aisles as we circled the stores in a similar rhythm, and we left the store at about the same time.

As she transitioned from scooter-cart back to cart, an employee engaged her in conversation. Initially, it appeared that they knew each other from outside of the store; however, I soon realized that they had the same kind of relationship that I have with the deli person.

He asked how she was, and she shared about how her condition continued to deteriorate. She may be in a wheelchair at some point, but she does not know exactly when that would be. He made a comment similar to one I have made about how that must be hard or some other non-committal and non-engaging phrase.

Her response caught me off guard.

Before I go on, I want to step back for a minute. I have had some struggles in my life. I know many people who have struggled in their lives. I have watched some people handle things well, and I have watched some people struggle more than I thought they should. Just writing that sentence shows how I have a pretty judgmental side. Who am I to judge how someone else handles their struggles? All of that to say that I have seen others live out the principle that this woman stated, but I do not think that anyone has ever said it exactly the way she did.

“Well, you just adjust and move on,” she said.

What? Did I hear her right? Adjust and move on? I don’t think I have ever heard someone state a philosophy quite so well. No stages of grief exist in that philosophy. In her statement is an inherent drive to accept what is happening and to do so quickly. The statement defines a desire to live life as it is rather than wishing for something different.

Regret, denial, worry, and other such concepts steal today from us. When we spend our precious moments wishing that this moment would be different than it is, we lose the moment. It passes us by, and we can’t get it back.

I realize that our minds are all wired differently, and many of minds get in our way.  We trip over ourselves and get entangled in our thoughts.  I have no idea how long this woman has had the condition that she has had. Perhaps she struggled through some denial, depression, or regret in years past, but today – as her condition only seems to worsen – she faces it with strength.  She plans to adjust and move on.

Do not misunderstand the power of these two concepts together.  

This is not – as my huz would say – a “make like a Disney movie and ‘Let It Go'” moment.  It would be great if we could skip the adjust moment and go right to the move on moment. But that is not what this woman is suggesting.  Adjusting our thinking from what we thought would be to being able to move on to what is going to be requires intentional thought.

A couple of years ago, we took our then senior-in-high-school aged children to Europe as a last hurrah before they scattered into adulthood.  It was a great trip, and I would do it again tomorrow if someone handed me tickets.  On our way home, we made a connection that scared me to pieces.

I had never seen anything like it before.

As we neared our gate area, we suddenly found a wall of people all pushing toward one spot.  Airport officials had set up a moving passport check right outside of our gate area.  Passengers trying to get anywhere had to funnel into one area with a few checkpoints.  We shuffled forward, and time ticked onward.  It seemed our flight would take off without us.

This was not a high point in the trip for me!

I like control.  I like to know what is happening.  I like order, and I like logic.  There was none of this in this situation.  More than one of my family members worked to keep me calm.  As it neared departure time for flights, officials would call out the destination, and passengers would move to the front of the line.

There was nothing to be done.  A tantrum, screaming match, or breakdown would only make our situation worse.  In fact, we observed a man try those tactics – bad choice.

Adjusting my thinking to the fact that I would have to settle in, wait, and move on whenever the crowd permitted was not easy for me, but I did it.

We shuffled. We waited.  And eventually we were aboard our plane headed home after the trip of a lifetime.

Regardless of how drastic or simplistic the situation may be, we can apply the same principles and choose contentment rather than dread.  While many life circumstances are very hard, those who survive well seem to be the ones who can find the silver lining, make a change in their thinking, and accept what is out of their control as that.

How does this sit with you? New concept? Or old friend? I would love to hear from you!

A Good Read: The Survivors Club

On my travels over the past few weeks, I listened to The Survivors Club by Ben Sherwood.  My huz laughs at me because I am into books that have shocking tidbits of information in them.  In the same vein as Outliers or The Tipping Point by Malcolm Gladwell, The Survivors Club has compelling information that can be thought-provoking or shocking.  This book weaves fascinating science and statistics with true life survivor stories.  I had a hard time not wanting to be in the car until I finally finished the last disk on Tuesday.  I wanted to hear what Sherwood had to say next.

The main point that I took away from this book is that we are all survivors, and we all have the assets within us to face adversity, get through it, and move on.  Consider for a minute what has happened in your life in the past five years.  It would be unusual if you have not experienced something somewhat traumatic – the death of a friend or family member, the loss of a job, extended illness, the loss of a house, the need to move, the loss of a friendship…and I am sure that you could come up with your own list.  The point is that, if you are reading this, you are still here!  You are a survivor!

I learned a couple of fun things that I would never have thought about without reading this book.  The first is that a casino is the place to have a heart attack if survival is preferred. Why?  Because the response time and preparedness of casino employees is the greatest of any other.  This is due to the high levels of security (they are watching everyone every minute) and the fact that the employees are trained to deal with heart attacks well. They also have the de-fib machines close by because heart attacks happen so often in casinos.  The other think that I ran across that was fun is that regular church attendance increases your life span.  Get thee to church!

The last part of the book allows readers (listener in my case!) hear about the factors that we each have that allow us to be survivors.  We have assets – intrinsic as well as extrinsic – that we summon up when needed in order to get through the rough stuff that life sends our way.  This was seriously fascinating stuff!

The book discusses 5 leading survivor personality types and 12 common tools (patterns of thought, feeling, and behavior) that tend to be what is seen in those who survive adversity.

What are the types?  Connector, Realist, Thinker, Fighter, and Believer

What are the survivor strengths?  Intelligence, Love, Adaptability, Instinct, Tenacity, Empathy, Hope, Flow (I do not have flow!), Purpose, Faith, Ingenuity, and Resilience

The really cool thing is that there is a survivor profile test online. Anyone can take it!  I think you should read the book, but even just taking this test is fun. It took me about 20 minutes to finish up the test, and I was able to find out my survivor type and my top three tools that I use in order to get through the rough stuff that makes up life.

I love my profile!  I am a fighter. Some of the phrases from the description are so awesome: You push yourself to be the best. You’re motivated by a sense of purpose or a calling greater than yourself. You’re here on earth for a reason that’s worth real sacrifice. You’re resilient, tenacious and often feel stronger because you’ve endured hardship in the past.

And I love my three strengths: resilience, faith, and empathy.  I actually think that the test is accurate.  When I asked my huz which type he thought I would be, he though connector.  Even though that is a strong point, I think that the fighter describes me better because I connect with people from that empathy side of me, but deep down – I am getting out of the battle.  I will win.  I will also fight on behalf of others.

You should have seen me in court on Tuesday!

One last thing: Ben Sherwood has set up a website for exchanging survival stories and for encourage each other.  Everyone should check it out!

So – what kind of survivor are you?  Maybe are you interested in taking the profiler?  Do it!  I think we all should.  I also think that this is a great book to read.  It is not only educational, but it is also fun.  We are all buoyed by the great stories of others’ survival.  And we should share our stories with each other…

Who might need to hear your story today?

I want to leave you with a Facebook status from my rocking teenage daughter:

It is better to walk instead of run and it is better to keep on going instead of hiding. Living each day to the fullest, not worrying about tomorrow for tomorrow can worry about itself nor worrying about yesterday for yesterday is gone. Live walking. Live on.

When I asked her where this came from, she replied, “My head.”

Love that she is resilient too!