I struggle with my weight.
I do not struggle to gain weight – that is the easy part. In parts of my past, I did not struggled to lose weight; rather, I purposed to lose weight. Not a healthy way to live…so that is no longer a part of my life. In the few months following my mom’s death in 2003, I experienced a drastic weight gain to numbers that I had not even seen in either of my pregnancies. Pictures from the height of that weight gain are scary – and I say that in the most objective way possible. For the eighteen months prior to our tenth wedding anniversary in 2005, I lost over 80 pounds. Pictures from our cruise that year and from the prom I chaperoned that year show a drastic difference. I had my “skinny” (but healthy) face. By 2010, I had gained half of that back. I am so very tired of the yo-yo.
In the past year, I have been able to lose 11 pounds and keep them off. This, of course, requires rigorous change and moment-by-moment vigilance. One 99cent bag of Cheetos (yum!) can derail an entire week of positive choices. I figure if I can lose 11 pounds a year from now until age 40 and then just keep it off, I should be on the road to health in the second part of my life. In the meantime, though, wearing pants to every wedding, funeral, church service, and court appearance is starting to get old. When I look in the mirror, though, I don’t like what I see.
In the next three months, Kerry and I have four weddings to attend. For three of them, he is the officiating pastor. This makes me the pastor’s wife. For the other, a family affair, we are one of the host couples. Regardless of which of these four you choose, proper attire is necessary and desirable. Today as I drove toward home, Sears called my name. I stopped to find a new top to wear with my ever-present and very comforting black pants. I actually dreaded it, though. It is not that I do not like the black pants; I am just tired of wearing them to every occasion. However, rather than humiliate myself in the dressing room by screaming at the image in the mirror, I tend to choose fun tops that I know will work well with black pants. What doesn’t work with black pants?
I do not know what possessed me, but I took a chance and tried on a dress as well as a few tops. And I’m taking another chance by posting the picture on this blog post. I figure most of the people who actually read my blog will see me in this dress as some point in the near future either in Facebook photos or in person at one of the four weddings (I even know which two at which I will be wearing the dress!).
Buying the dress required that I “get over myself” a bit. While I could speed up this weight loss process with more discipline to eat better and walk more, the truth is that in the next three months will not see a huge weight loss. The faster I lose weight, the more likely I am to put it back on quickly. I’d like this to be a permanent change. With that in mind, the body that I have today will be the body that attends the wedding next week, and it – or something quite similar – most likely will be the body that will attend the September wedding and the two in October. Rather than purchasing one more top to wear with the same black pants, I chose today to accept this body and put a dress on it. Fortunately, Sears had a dress that I think (and the pastor agrees) looks pretty good – so much so that I wore it tonight, and we went out to dinner.
I needed practice being in public in a dress again. And I loved every minute of it.