I haven’t blogged in a long, long time. The pace of my life has just been too much, and – honestly – I have not wanted to write down anything lately.
Writing things down is a way of archiving the journeys that we take. The push to journal, keep diaries, and have memory books is a push to remember. This is very Biblical, and I want to take that seriously. The whole point of the Passover for the Jewish people was to remember what God had done for them and is doing for them. In a sense, then, I desire to remember…I desire to archive these days and what God has been doing in these days. But I am also torn.
In order to remember and archive in the world of a blog, I have to be willing to open up my heart and life to the readership of this blog. In a way, not blogging is my way of hiding. I want to blog about good things…but when the good things are not what simmers to the top when I log in to my blog, then I would rather not blog…I would rather just hide away. It’s a way for me to pretend, to hide, and to keep my “ick” safe. When I started this blog, I wanted it to help other people….do I just have to start sharing and see how it goes?
What would you see if you saw my heart? Today you would see someone who has hit a point of emotional exhaustion. You would see someone who has started to say “no” to things, someone who has started to pull things from her plate and hand them off to others, and you would see someone, who hates to quit, who has started to resign from things. Last week, I resigned from the drug court team that I have sat on for the past year. It took too much of my time and no longer was an area of professional or personal interest. I care about kids – especially the ones who are using drugs – but my time didn’t seem to be helping them. On Monday, I resigned from a part of my job. It was a part that initially had been created for me but that has morphed into something that I no longer can say fits who I am.
I can’t even write all of the things in my heart right now….because I am struggling with what is appropriate to share in this place. How do I share? How do I communicate? The things that are on my heart are God-given….so I should share….and much of them at this point are victories…there will always be struggles – but God will bring the victory. Amen.